How to NOT take feedback personally
It’s not easy to hear improvement feedback.
It’s not easy to be in a meeting and not know how to answer the Director’s question.
It’s not easy to hear, “It could have gone better if we were more prepared.”
It’s not easy to have your proposal rejected after you’ve spent so much time preparing it.
It’s not easy. Yet, this is part & parcel of growth.
The important question is, how can you not take it too personally and move on?
I used to feel very afraid to hear that I was not doing well enough.
Actually, part of me still is.
Be it in my corporate work, training, or coaching.
I feel anxious when I open feedback forms – feeling anxious that I may find evidence that I am not good enough.
That is the issue.
I tend to immediately beat myself up when I see any signs that I didn’t do an impressive job.
I wasn’t aware back then of why I felt so tense and anxious about hearing improvement feedback.
Now, I know. I label myself too quickly.
I see the feedback as proof that I am not good enough, confirming my doubts.
I see the feedback as judgement from others.
I would feel ashamed. My chest would tighten & my face would become hot. My hands fidgeting.
I would replay that moment in my head again and again, thinking how stupid I must have looked or sounded.
This is me when my worth is tied to my job and my performance.
The thing is, I am not my job.
You are not your job.
Having my worth tied to my performance takes the curiosity and energy away from learning.
Constantly thinking that I am not good enough is a fixed label that weighed me down tremendously.
The energy used in blaming myself drained me and made listening to feedback so scary.
My body recognizes the consequences and tries to avoid them at all costs.
What is the side effect then?
I would only do things that I knew I am good at.
I would not really step out of my comfort zone because the uncertainty meant there were risks that I may not do well, and the blame & judgement would follow.
The thing is, no one was judging me harder than myself.
So, why do I put myself through so much suffering?
Now, when the habitual thought of “I am not good enough” comes up when there are improvement areas, I would remind myself that “I can learn and grow.”
I am good enough as a human being, and my work can be better.
This has allowed me to bounce back much faster and became a strength for me to speak up, take risks, and not be so conscious about making mistakes.
When feedback comes, I would listen and discern it.
I can accept that my work can be improved and started to appreciate genuine feedback to help me do better work.
It is uncomfortable, but it is necessary for my growth.
Over time, my body feels less threatened when there’s feedback. The body needs time to expand its capacity to feel safe.
The more capacity I have to hear honest feedback and leverage on it to become better, the faster I improve.
I don’t have to beat myself up with the feedback or mistake.
If I didn’t know better, now I know. There’s no point wishing - I wish I have known this earlier.
So, how to not take things so personally?
Recognize your worth as a human being. You are not your work.
Lead a healthy lifestyle that you feel proud of yourself.
With that, work is only a part of you and a setback or improvement feedback wouldn’t crush you.
Yes, it may feel uncomfortable and that is part of the growing process.
Stop shaming yourself and embrace that as you journey through life, you will make mistakes, you will be challenged, and you will have areas that can do better.
AND, you are still enough and loved.
That is the beauty of growth.
PS: If you resonate with this reflection and find it helpful, share this with your friends and family. It will be a gift to them! They can choose to subscribe to the upcoming newsletters here.
PPS: I am now opening up coaching slots starting in September. If you would like to move beyond your self-doubt and negative emotions to give yourself the gift of more courage, confidence, joy & peace to start off 2024, you may apply for a coaching discovery session here.
Love,
TJ
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