How is your career shaped by your parents’ expectations?
I watched the Disney Movie - Elemental few weeks ago, and I teared up in the cinema (Yes, some Disney cartoons still make me cry)
The show was marketed as a love story but what really touched me was the relationship between the protagonist, Ember Lumen and her dad, and her struggle to follow her own path.
It reminded me of my relationship with my dad too, and my personal struggle in following my path.
I was the "good" daughter who turned "bad" by not following my dad’s footsteps.
My dad runs an audit & accounting firm in Seremban, a small town in Malaysia.
He started it from scratch, and he came from a very poor family. Think leaky roof, waking up at 3 am to do rubber tapping, gathering & chopping wood to make fire.
Growing up, I would visit his office and sit on his boss chair and say, “One day, I will be sitting here!”
I never thought twice about who I wanted to become.
I wanted to become my dad, running the firm. I followed in his footsteps, and I studied accountancy, getting top National & World Prizes.
After a year of doing audit at his firm, I knew this was not for me.
I decided to join sales instead. I was the bad daughter.
So often, his friends and staffs would meet me and say “Haih.. why don’t you take over daddy’s business? It’s such a waste…”
I would shrug it off and say, “Yeah, I have decided to do something else.”
However, inside me, I would feel guilty and looking at my dad’s greying & thinning hair, I do feel bad over the years.
I wondered – If I stayed back and helped him, would life be easier for him?
Yet, I knew that I would be miserable.
The day after the movie, I called my dad.
After some casual chit-chat, I took up my courage and told him,
Me: “Daddy, I want to thank you.”
Dad: “Huh? What for?”
Me: “I want to thank you for giving me your blessing to pursue what I am interested in. I hope I didn’t disappoint you.”
At this point, tears filled my eyes.
I didn’t know, deep down, I still feel so emotional that I might be disappointing him.
It’s been more than 12 years since I left the accounting firm, and this is the first time these words came out from me.
Dad: “Aiyo… you all grown up already. When you were young, you didn’t know so I encouraged you to study accountancy. Now that you are so big already, you can choose for yourself. As long as you are happy and healthy, I am happy already.”
At this point, tears started rolling down my cheeks.
Me: “Yes, daddy, I am very happy now. Thank you for letting me do this and being so supportive.”
Dad: "Good, good. As long as you're healthy and happy.
I have never expressed my gratitude or my fear of disappointment about my career choices to my dad.
I am glad I did.
I am in my 30s, and I know that I can do what I want in my life.
Yet, the fear of letting down my parents is still very real.
For years, I thought he must have felt I was a stubborn, rebellious daughter.
When I told him that I would not be working with him anymore years ago, there was definitely disappointment.
But, love prevails.
Ultimately, he just wanted me to be healthy and happy.
I can still be loving my parents dearly even though I did not follow the path they had in mind for me since I was 5 years old.
Whether consciously or unconsciously, many of us make career choices that we believe will make our parents feel proud of us.
Perhaps that explains the dilemma I had when I decided not to take over his business.
Anything that will risk disappointing the expectations of parents feels like a great burden within.
This may be unconscious – the need to meet parents’ expectations is very ingrained within us since young.
When we were kids, we were rewarded when we met expectations and punished if we were naughty.
For most of us, our parents were our first source of acknowledgment and recognition.
They are the ones who most likely celebrated the first milestones that we could remember.
The thing is, you may have internalized their expectations, projected what would make them proud, and lived your life under such expectations.
If so, it may significantly limit your possibilities and risk-taking appetite.
The question I invite you to reflect upon today:
· How is your career choice influenced by what your parents think is good for you?
· Are you living your parents’ dream or your own dream?
· What is it that you truly feel like exploring if you’re not afraid of disappointing your parents? If you don’t have to be the “good” child that meets all expectations?
· What is YOUR definition of fulfillment and success?
You may not have all the answers today, and that’s okay.
Know that you have a choice to pause and reflect, and a choice to chart a fulfilling career path and life that you resonate with deeply.
Know that you’re still loved, no matter what.
PS: If you resonate with this reflection and find it helpful, share this with your friends and family. It will be a gift to them! They can choose to subscribe to the upcoming newsletters here.
Love,
TJ
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