3 things I wish I knew about emotions when I was trying to excel

In the early days of my career, I developed a keen interest in self-help and personal development. I was hungry in excelling, fast. One thing I picked up then was the power of positivity and the power of mind. I believed that if it's to be, it's up to me. It's all about mind over matters, effectiveness, and efficiency. I was so busy being intellectual and being "driven and positive" that I ignored a big part of me, my emotions.

I only wanted to keep the "positive" emotions and rejected the "negative" emotions. I had a strong ideal image to live up to. That ideal image formed by the self-help positive gurus, the "upwards and onwards" motivational quotes, the driven and purposeful life of others shown on social media.

Whenever there are "negative" emotions, I would want to get over them as soon as possible. I would either do something to make myself feel better immediately, use positive psychology to talk myself out of it, or just try to suppress and ignore it. There was no time to slow down and feel.

It was working well, until it didn't. Although I was excelling and thriving externally, being on the fast track for promotion, something wasn't right.

I was at one point, shocked by my own emotional outburst towards my loved ones. How could I get so angry? Who was that?

I was at one point, feeling insecure with a nagging sense of anxiety within.

I was at one point, frustrated and disappointed at myself for feeling these strong emotions, feeling like I was stuck in a vicious cycle.

I knew something had to change. I didn't want to just thrive externally. I want to do so while having more inner peace, joy, and true confidence within. I also wanted to cultivate better relationships with my loved ones.

That opened the door for me to start learning about skillful ways in understanding my own emotions and learning practices to befriend my emotions.

Instead of going faster, I learned to slow down and pay attention within. To my pleasant surprise, I was able to navigate my career, life, and relationships with much more ease, joy, and confidence.

Here, I would like to share 3 things that I wish I knew about emotions when I was trying to excel:

(i) There are no positive and negative emotions

Emotions are the rawest form of human expression and all emotions have their purpose. There are no positive and negative emotions by default. It's how you respond to them that matters.

You can tap into the wisdom of emotions because your emotions don't lie. They offer an opportunity for you to know yourself better.

When you are sad, perhaps you are hurt and you may want to communicate your needs to your partner.

When you are angry, perhaps you felt unfair and you felt driven to make changes at work.

When you felt anxious, perhaps you are believing in stories that are not true and were holding you back.

By rejecting your feelings, you are rejecting a part of yourself. By ignoring your feelings, you are ignoring the signals that are guiding you closer towards what's most important to you. Allow your heart to speak through your emotions. With this, you can get closer to knowing yourself at a deeper level and have a rippling effect in enriching your life and your relationship with self and others.

Shift: Instead of labeling an emotion of being "good" or "bad", you can ask yourself "what is this emotion trying to tell me?" Emotions open up a gateway towards understanding yourself.

(ii) Emotional management is a skill that you can learn

"I am an impatient person" - I used to label myself this way.

Do you believe that you are born being impatient or easily triggered? This is a fixed mindset and is the type of belief that will hold us back from developing emotional management skills.

It is a myth. Like any other skill, emotional management is a skill that you can learn and practice.

We cannot control what we feel or everything that happens to us. Instead, we can choose how we respond to the situation and our emotions.

Learning how to effectively respond to emotional triggers helps us thrive and cultivate good relationships professionally or personally.

When we have the space to choose our response to emotional triggers, it also helps to create space within to understand our triggers.

Shift: Instead of reacting to emotional triggers by default, you can choose to understand and learn how to respond to emotional triggers. If you can see the trigger, you can manage the trigger. If you can understand the trigger, you can be free from the trigger. Learn more about managing triggers here.

(iii) You can hold emotions with kindness

When you are trying your best to suppress or ignore overwhelming emotions, what happens?

Often, these emotions would visit again and again. It almost seems like, the more you ignore and don't want to feel them, the harder they come knocking at your heart's door. The more you want them gone quickly, the longer they linger.

Emotions are there to tell us something. When being ignored, they come back stronger until they're being heard. It's like a child who needs attention.

So, when you experience an unpleasant emotion, don't turn away immediately. Instead, stay with it, witness it. You can extend kindness towards this emotion.

You'll be surprised by how the intensity of these emotions will instantly subside. You will feel much more inner space within and opens up the door for self-compassion.

Shift: Instead of suppressing or ignoring unpleasant feelings, you can hold these feelings with kindness.

Emotional health sets you free. Emotions are your ally in thriving from within, your ally in getting you closer towards understanding what's important to you.

If you are interested to learn more about managing triggers and caring for overwhelming emotions, I have put together a free guide with reflection exercises and audio guides to support you. Feel free to download here.

Remember, change is possible. You deserve to thrive with confidence and live the life you truly want.