Do your emotional triggers go on vacation?

I took a long break last week and had a really good time resting and recuperating by the beach. A funny thought came to mind, I could physically go on a holiday. Do my emotional triggers go on vacation too? It was a passing thought that I found amusing.

Well, one could go on a vacation to avoid emotional triggers. However, I cannot send my emotional triggers on a vacation as and when I like. They may visit anytime, anywhere. I cannot run away from them forever.

In fact, it was just barely a month ago that I was being triggered at work after a long, long time.

“I have to stand firm. She’s not listening. I have to get my message across.” These thoughts were running in my head in the heated discussion.

I felt my hands slightly shaking and my chest tightened. I noticed the anger bubbling up from within. Oh my, I was angry. 

I knew this feeling. I knew that if I am careless, this feeling will temporarily take over me and I will react in a way that I might regret later. 

I noticed the tension in my body and I took a deep breath, relaxing the tension I was feeling. I composed myself and stated my stance firmly without being rude. I chose my words carefully and in the end, we came to an alignment amicably. 

When I was triggered in the past, I have lost it before especially in a personal context. There were fights and voices raised. It can be scary, the feeling of me not being able to control the anger within and jeopardizing the relationship I have.

So, what helped me feel much more in control when being triggered and what can you start doing? 

 1.      Learn to hit “PAUSE”

When I was triggered, it’s so easy to just let words rush out of my mouth and regret afterwards.

So, an extremely helpful skill is to be able to hit PAUSE when I feel triggered. It has saved me from so many unnecessary arguments and outbursts! The sacred pause gave me space to choose my response instead of reacting carelessly.

So, what does hitting PAUSE mean? It means that whatever you are going to say or do next, just pause and take a deep breath.

It is that simple! The pause may just take a second, but it’s extremely powerful. It grants us a space to choose our response. In choosing our response, we have a choice to build or break relationships.

Having said that, it’s not easy to practice when we are “in the heat of the moment” and the following 2 tips will come in handy as you develop this skill.  

Start doing this: When you notice that you are triggered, hit PAUSE and take a deep breath.

 2.      Observing emotions through sensations in the body

 I used to think that emotions are just feelings and that they’re intangible. I was wrong. 

Emotions manifest physically within us and they send signals to us through our body sensation. When I feel certain strong emotions rising within my body, it’s my signal to be more mindful about what I am going to say or do in the next few seconds. It’s my cue to “pause” before responding.

So, I started to observe the sensations in my body whenever I feel my emotions. When I am angry, I notice a rush of tightness from my belly all the way to my chest. When I am anxious, I could feel the churning sensation right in my gut. When I am happy, I could feel warmth at my heart. It is fascinating to get to know myself better this way.

You can be the observer of your experience and your emotions too. Slowly, you will become much more aware of how you feel. You will notice your strong emotions rising and be able to pause when being triggered. It will almost feel like you could see what you are going through instead of being clouded or swept away by strong emotions. 

 Start doing this: During the day, notice and name your emotion. Then, ask yourself - How does this emotion feel in my body? Tune your attention inwards and feel into it. 

 3.      Being patient with progress 

 Learning to pause and respond to triggers is not an overnight exercise. It takes practice. I often say that this journey is a messy and often frustrating one. 

Before learning about responding to triggers, you just react unconsciously. When you are conscious that you have a choice in responding, often it still doesn’t feel like you have a choice because when the emotions hit, you may still lose it. This can be frustrating because you weren’t doing what you know you should be doing. 

However, it is important that you don’t give up at this point. You may not feel like it, but every time you are aware that you are being triggered, you are one step closer towards responding more skilfully.  

We wouldn’t expect ourselves to run a 42km marathon effortlessly if we are barely training for 1km runs. So, why do we expect instant results from ourselves when we are building emotional skills? 

 So, allow yourself the room to learn and grow. 

 As counterintuitive as it may sound, being kind to your own outburst will support you in becoming a better person. It works much better than blaming yourself which feeds into a downward spiral.  

 Kindness will carry us a long way in developing this life-changing skill. 

Start doing this: Observe how you are reacting or responding to your triggers now. Just observe with kindness and without judgment. If you can pause & respond to your triggers, that’s great. If you are reacting to triggers – you may tell yourself “I may not be able to pause this time. Yet, I can now see it when I am reacting. Next time, I will do a bit better.”  Remember, it’s a marathon, not a sprint.

Does this mean that I will not be triggered or feel zen all the time? Definitely no! I still feel triggered at times. Instead of walking away or lashing it out, I have learned to respond to triggers in the moment by listening to my body and being kind to my progress. You can do this too. 

If you are interested to practice how to respond to triggers skillfully and develop kindness to yourself, you may download the C.A.L.M guide that I have prepared for you.

PS: Feel free to drop me a message if you would like to explore how you can develop better emotional health to thrive at work and in your life.