Do you need to chase happiness?

I was browsing Instagram the other day and I saw a quote that says –

 “Happiness is something that comes. You don’t have to chase it” 

 Do you agree with this statement?

 Personally, I don’t think that it is the whole truth.

 Yes, I wouldn’t chase happiness because being overly focused on chasing happiness itself is going to make me critical of my experience. Thus, not feeling happy. It is true in that sense.

 However, the quote may imply that we don’t need to do anything and that happiness will come.

That’s certainly not true in my experience.

 If I want to feel happier and I make absolutely no changes to how I think and how I behave, will it work?

 I recall that during the first 5 years of my career, I was experiencing much doubt and anxiety although I was doing well. I was very hard on myself and was constantly comparing myself with others and measuring up on whether I was doing well enough. It was draining mentally & emotionally. No matter how “rich” my life looked on the outside, I did not feel fulfilled and joyful. It felt like an uphill battle within.  

 One night, coming back from work after a long day. I was laying down and staring at the fan spinning on top. Somehow, I felt something stirring within. I do not want to be spinning round and round and come to the end of my life, still feeling like I wasn’t enough.

 I decided that I wanted to change.

I read books & attended retreats. They say – practice gratitude, meditate, practice self-compassion.

I resisted at first.

The affirmations felt cheesy. The self-compassion practice felt mechanical. The meditation felt like I was battling my own thoughts. I didn’t know if I was progressing at all. It was frustrating for me, a very results-driven person.

In school, I knew it when I was getting better at math almost instantly. It’s either the answer is right or wrong.

In running, I knew I was getting better when I reviewed my pace and my heart rate.  

In developing emotional skills, I did not have a quantitative measure. Am I kinder to myself? Am I less easily triggered? Am I calmer?

I couldn’t tell immediately. This journey of cultivating mental & emotional well-being is the messiest and the most non-linear among all the skills I have learned in my life.

Some days, I wondered if this is all just a waste of time.

Yet, I continued to learn and practiced because I started to see micro changes. It wasn’t huge but it was enough to make me believe that if I stick to it, it will mean something.

I continued to sit. I continued to journal. I continued my self-compassion practices.

Was I diligently doing journaling and meditation EVERY SINGLE DAY? Honestly, I did not. Yet, I never forget these practices. They will appear at least 3 to 5 times a week.

Days passed, months passed, years passed.

Honestly, I couldn’t recall starting when, I could really, really feel the difference.

I noticed I was catching my anger rising and I was able to pause before responding. I could observe my emotions rising and falling so clearly in my body. If it was the old me, I would have exploded.

I noticed I wasn’t beating myself up so much for resting and not being as productive.

I noticed I was much more confident in myself at work, comparing less with others

I was pausing on my walk back to my car and appreciating the trees swaying to the breeze.

I was much calmer & happier.

I couldn’t pinpoint when these changes started to take root within me. It was slowly growing within, bit by bit.

I was building my emotional muscle. Just like you train your stamina by running loops, your heart and mind need training too.

Why am I sharing this with you?

Having walked this path, my gift to you is to tell you that building emotional skills will work and they will change your life. You may not notice it day by day but when you look back at yourself a year from now, you will feel the difference.

 The truth is, cultivating joy and happiness is a skill and takes effort. The effort is not about “chasing happiness”.

 The effort is preparing ourselves to notice & feel happiness in our lives. If I wasn’t attuned to noticing moments of goodness, I wouldn’t pause and notice them and feel the joy.

 The effort is learning to discern that not all thoughts in our minds are true. If I wasn’t aware of how my mind wanders to things beyond my control, I wouldn’t pause and return to the present moment, giving myself relief from anxiety.

 The effort is learning to manage our emotional triggers. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be having better communication with my partner, resulting in a more loving & joyful relationship.

 The effort is learning to be more compassionate towards self. If I was so hard on myself, I would have never taken risks outside of my comfort zone and been rewarded with so much in return.

 If you would like to strengthen your emotional muscles, you can start with these three, among many other practices.

1.      Practice gratitude

I can see some of you rolling your eyes. Yes, you see this “tip” everywhere. You know about it, but are you practicing it? Trust this simple practice. Building emotional skills is not complicated. I like to share with my partner 1 thing I am grateful for that day before we sleep. The bonus is that I get to connect with what he’s grateful for that day too. Journaling is amazing too. Cultivating a gratitude lens has helped me pause and appreciate the beauty and joy around me. These are often not ecstatic joy. These are often a warm glow of joy from within.

 2.      Practice self-compassion

Offer self-care messages such as – “I see you, I care for you, I love you” to yourself. If you are hard on yourself, it may seem mechanical in the beginning, almost like you cannot believe in it. The heart may be tense when you offer self-care messages to yourself. If you are feeling “eeek, I definitely don’t want to do this”, it is a sign that you actually need this the most. When you have been so hard on yourself, being kind to yourself is a new muscle that needs to be strengthened. If you don’t know where to start, you may follow the inviting compassion practice in my Calm Guide.

3.      Practice the awareness of “I am not my thoughts” 

Not all thoughts are true. Our mind often has a life of its own, creating stories that at times make us feel miserable. When you are feeling anxiety within, you may pause and ask yourself – What story am I believing right now? Is it absolutely true? Is it serving me? This creates a space between you and the story in your mind. This practice allows you to discern thoughts that are serving you and those that are not serving you. It is a practice to go through life with a conscious choice versus being slaves to your automatic thoughts.

You will notice small changes in just a week or two. Sometimes, you will feel that you did not change at all, or become worse off. Don’t be discouraged or chase results. It will get better, so much better when you just trust the process. The progress is just not linear. When these practices start to take root in you, you will feel freedom within that no external material can match.

 “Buying an amazing pair of running shoes and the best bike in the world will not make me an Ironman if I don’t put in the hours to train myself. So, I must train” – Yong Lim, my husband. Ironman 2019.

Following my husband’s wise words, let’s practice. Be it physically, mentally, or emotionally. You are on the right track.

 PS: I have helped clients develop the skills to improve their mental and emotional well-being so that they feel more at peace & joyful while navigating through the challenges in life. Reach out to me if you want to learn the same. I believe that having my support will make a big difference in your journey.